What if?

                  Every once in a while I like to play “what if” situations. With my fifth fumble you could say it was sort of an obsession. Until recently this was the only girl that I had legitimately liked since fumble 3. I’m not really quite sure what it was about here but I do a large part of it was my sapiosexuality and her athletic ability. We met at a mutual friend’s wedding in August of 2010 and seemed to hit it off. All I can say is that I’m glad I rode my bike because the open bar should have been treated with a little more respect. We danced, we laughed, and we exchanged numbers. We went on a few dates and we talked all the time and in my head I could see it going places. For once, I actually cared about her, her feelings, how her day was going. Until her, this had been lost and had ensued a great deal of worthless interactions. As soon as I came to this conclusion I started driving that relationship with a lead foot. I automatically assumed that those feelings were reciprocated because in the past they always had been. Prior to her it had never occurred to me that my feelings for someone wouldn’t necessarily be reciprocated. So in some ways, you could say that my arrogance killed this “relationship” but she called me after a couple of weeks of not seeing each other and told me that she wasn’t “emotionally available” because she had just gotten out of a 4+ year relationship. I understood this, but it was still a huge blow to my ego. In the hopes of something real it was the first time I had ever been rejected and it seemed to take me a while to recover from the blow. I moped around a bit, drank way too much and was constantly ridiculed by my friends for my behavior. That’s when I started playing the “what if?” game. What if I hadn’t pressed so hard so fast? What if she hadn’t just gone through a break-up? What if I hadn’t acted like such an arrogant douche? So many questions were rifling threw my head and it was all I thought about for weeks on end. It eventually waned, I got over the potential of a relationship and I got over her. It was the only short “relationship” (for lack of a better word) that I have ever had in which I actually learned something about myself. It taught me that I didn’t need to prove my worth to my peers and that I didn’t need to shove accomplishments in their face and constantly one-up them with stories. It taught me that my ego would only get in the way of something real and that I needed to check my ego at the front door, bring down the guard, let the insecurities go and just be who my parent’s raised me to be, a good listening and caring individual. Looking back, I completely understand why it didn’t work out because I wouldn’t have wanted to be with me while I was acting like that either. In the end, I would like to thank her for causing me to pull my head out of my ass, let my insecurities go and start acting like a normal human being. However, it took me a few months to figure all of that out, so there are a couple more arrogant mishaps, but it wouldn’t be good progression without a little regression. 

1. Last beverage = Coffee

2. Last phone call = Leasing Broker

3. Last text message = Amanda

4. Last song you listened to = The Black Keys – Run Right Back

5. Last time you cried = Last month

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice = No

7. Been cheated on = Yes

8. Kissed someone & regretted it = Yes

9. Lost someone special = Yes

10. Been depressed = Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up = Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Blue

13. Orange

14. Fluro Green

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Yes, lots!

16. Fallen out of love = No

17. Laughed until you cried = Yes

18. Met someone who changed you = No

19. Found out who your true friends were = No

20. Found out someone was talking about you = No

21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend’s list = Yes

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = met in person:80%  have heard of or talked to:10% no idea who they are:10%

24. Do you have any pets = Recently deceased

25. Do you want to change your name = No way

26. What did you do for your last birthday = Zach Morris

27. What time did you wake up today = 8:30am

28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Bed

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Moving into my new place!

30. Last time you saw your mother = 3 weeks

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nada

32. What are you listening to right now = The Joy Formidable - Austere

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? = Itchy nose

35. Most visited webpage = Hype Machine

37. Nickname(s) = Last name count?

38. Relationship Status = Single-ish

40. He or She = I am He

41. Elementary = Grace Christian

42. High School = LB Wilson, oh yeah

43. College = Eaters

44. Hair color = Brown

45. Long or short = Short

47. Do you have a crush on someone? = A big one!

48. What do you like about yourself? = My ability to learn

49. Piercings = Nah

50. Tattoo = None… yet

51. Righty or lefty= Righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery = Oral

53. First piercing = Never

54. First best friend(s) = Brad, Kenny, Colby, Chris, Rowbear, Sara, Cheng, Torri, Krysia

55. First sport you joined = Baseball

56. First vacation = Pine Mountain Lake in the Sierra Nevada

58. First pair of trainers = Nike

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating = Nothing

60. Drinking = Naked

61. I’m about to = Leave the office!

62. Listening to = Kaskade!

63. Waiting for = Time to go by

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = 2 min

65. Get Married? = Absolutely

66. Career? = Doing it

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes = Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses = Good hug

69. Shorter or taller = Taller

70. Older or Younger = Younger

71. Romantic or spontaneous = Spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Stomach any day

73. Sensitive or loud = Loud

74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship 

75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Trouble Maker

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = Yes

77. Drank hard liquor = Whiskey

78. Lost glasses/contacts = Never had ‘em

79. Sex on first date = Nope

80. Broke someone’s heart = Unfortunately

81. Had your own heart broken = In a way

82. Been arrested = Cuffed but never arrested

83. Turned someone down = Yes

84. Cried when someone died = Naturally

85. Fallen for a friend = No

I’ve started a photo blog! 

castyle.tumblr.com

Follow for great images!

(via aseenmanscloak)

            So this weekend I had to move out of my place on the peninsula and back into my Dad’s for a month until I find a place to live, back on the peninsula, with my buddies Brad and Aaron. I’m really excited to move in with them because I know it will be a ton of fun and a much better living situation than what I was in previously. I haven’t lived with my Dad in about a year and a half and I realized today as I was cleaning out my old room that my life has changed dramatically in the last three years. Everything was so different then, some of my friends, my girlfriend, and my goals at the time have all changed or gone. It’s funny, as much as I dislike Fumble 3, it was a little tough to throw away some of the things that she had given me. They meant so much to me at the time and I thought it would be a piece of cake to throw them out. But as the nostalgia of that relationship starts to set in, I’m starting to remember the good things instead of the bad things. The same goes for my college roommate because we had done so much together and had gotten so close and now I don’t even speak to him. There were still some remnants of our college apartment in my room and it was hard to think about the fact that we haven’t talked in years because of a disagreement that I had with my friend Brad, who is easily my best friend. A life in transition is no fun and this month is going to be a little difficult on my mental stability, especially now that I have to clean out my parent’s house in Long Beach.

            Cleaning out my parent’s house should be quite the endeavor. I’ll have to go through all of my high school stuff and re-visit other parts of my life that I truly wish I didn’t have to right now. Ever since my last encounter with Fumble 1, I have been thinking about her far too often and find myself wishing that I could spend more time with her. I can’t tell if I am just feeling nostalgic for that relationship or if I have truly fallen in love with her again. I think that is why I want to spend more time with her, I want to know if these feelings are real, but I won’t know unless I see her for more than a few hours. I need to figure out if I can move on from these rekindled feelings or if I should wait for her. I think this is one of the few times that time will actually tell. 

theclearlydope:

Clearly Dope Instructional Video: I’ve always wanted to know the rules of Rugby and after watching this video I still don’t know. But trust me, it doesn’t matter.

via

This is seriously brilliant. No matter how many times you watch it, you will not remember the rules of Rugby!

(via -nivek)

Post break-up relationships are always interesting. For me, they seem to have a common finality in them. In the beginning of this one I thought it was going to be different. It felt different, it felt good, I was mildly honest with her, which was a big leap for me at the time. During the first few months after the break-up with fumble three I wasn’t honest with any girl that I met, but that was the intention. I met my fourth fumble about a week before I broke up with fumble three. I guess you could say that was my first mistake. We exchanged numbers and I said I would give her a call in a week or so because I was going to be super busy. Lies, obviously. What I should have said; “I’ll give you a call in a week after I break up with my bitch of a girlfriend. Is that OK?” It would have been worth it to see the response, but then again it would have been a crime if I didn’t defile that body like I did. I say that because in her mind, I’m sure that is what it was. I had more sexually chemistry with this girl than I have with anyone else, save one person, but that’s a budding relationship. We were so physically attracted to each other that for the few weeks that we hung out we completely forgot that we were nothing alike. This girl was incredibly religious and let’s just say that my religious views are yet to be determined. She hated me for this and told me on a regular basis, but that never stopped her from seeing me. I began to see where this was going very quickly, but I didn’t stop myself. Prior to her I had never been told that I wasn’t good enough. She constantly told me that we would never work out and that she was just my rebound girl. I refused to believe that statement and constantly pushed for her to believe in me despite the faults that she saw in me.

            We spent a decent amount of time together over the three or four weeks that we hung out for and we talked about life, what made us happy and where we saw each other in a few years. I always loved hearing her responses to those types of questions because they were so far from mine that I would laugh. For example, she was 21 and she wanted to be married and have at least one child by the time she was 25 and conversely I had no idea when I wanted to do any of those activities. She wants to get married in a church, I want to get married on a beach. She didn’t believe in birth control after marriage, I strongly believe in birth control at all times. Fundamental differences that we both saw straight through like cellophane because we were so sexually attracted to each other. It was a recipe for disaster and disaster is exactly what ensued.

            She had been engaged once before to her boyfriend in high school and they ended up breaking up when they were 20 and he was the only person she had slept with. She even considered that a mistake because they weren’t married. We had come very close to having sex on a number of occasions but I never wanted to because I didn’t want her to regret anything or act out of character in the moment. She was always surprised when I said no to her, but she always respected me for that. One night I decided to push the limits to see where that line with her truly was. Needless to say, the line I thought existed with her didn’t actually exist. I never saw her again after that night and I’m sure she spent copious amounts of time in church attempting to rid the sin of me from her. I don’t regret doing what I did, but I’m sure she does. It pains me a little bit to think of it like that, but I’m sure that she didn’t have the same real feelings for me that I did for her.

            During that time in my life I was a little fragile and my mood was constantly swayed by my involvement with women. After this one, I was wrecked for weeks. I felt like I had put myself out there and taken a chance on someone I wouldn’t normally have tried to pursue a relationship with and I was treated poorly for acting on feelings that I thought were mutual. This fumble is one of many that taught me to play it a little safer with my heart. 

(via beachnshit)

Oh hell yes. I need to meet a girl with those shoes!